...taking the first step can sometimes be the hardest but yet most rewarding
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Everyone has a Story
I have learned never to judge a book by its cover.
On the outside, I may appear carefree, enjoying life, always smiling and trying to make others laugh and feel good about themselves.But on the inside, I am a woman who is trying to hold on…flashing a smile just to cover the pain and hurt that hides beneath the smile, the laugh.The laugh that is covering my past, covering the anxiety, covering the depression, covering the sexual abuse that happened when I was just a little girl.Covering the fact that the past 5 years have been filled with tragic loss of life, multiple times, over and over again.Covering the wounds that begin to heal, almost completely, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…ever so close, almost being able to touch it with the ends of my fingertips, almost being able to feel the end of another cycle of grieving.And then, we receive “the call" that another family member has died.Tragically taken from this earth, without having the chance to say a final goodbye, a final “I Love you”.Gone.Covering the fact that I became am an emotional eater over the past 5 years, as this was, at times, the only thing that could bring me comfort, to take away the pain, if only for a few seconds.Then realizing that this coping skill has added “padding” that truly isn’t me.I never wanted to be this size.I am realizing that I need to pull back all of the layers to get to the HEART of my HURT.As I take the corner of each layer and begin to, ever so slowly, peel back each layer, I am finding more pieces that make up my past, my story, my hurt, my pain but also the
GOOD things, the things that have kept me going, the things in my life that I want to keep and NOT let go of.The things and people that have given me HOPE and the DESIRE to face a new day.Each layer is a new realization of my past, it is a scary discovery, a scary journey…but one that needs to be taken so that I can HOPEfully one day, feel whole again.To feel WHOLE again.
Letting go of fear.Accepting my past as it is a part of my story and the past can’t be changed.I also realize it doesn’t define me, who I really am, today.It doesn’t have a grip so tight on me, on my heart, on my soul that I am unable to breath.
Some days, the grip feels a little tighter than others, but most days, I am able to loosen its grasp and say... "Not today, today I am going to BREATHE…just BREATHE…I am going to be in CONTROL.”Everyone has the opportunity to get bitter or get better.I choose, daily, to get better.I CHOOSE to look for ways to help others, to inspire others, to give others hope.This is a genuine and real desire of mine, to reach out to other women that are hurting.We all have a story, we all have our own hurts.Most of these hurts are buried so deep, beneath so many layers, that we think they do not affect who we are.The truth is, the hurts that are not HEALED, the hurts that have never been able to be shared, that are so hidden because of shame, sadness, pain or fear, do affect us in some way, great or small, each and every day.
God has given me many gifts and blessings in my life.I DO love to LAUGH, to make others LAUGH and FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.This also brings joy to my life.It takes the edge off of pain, off of the hidden hurt that is buried.Laughter is AMAZING medicine, to the HEART and SOUL. It is free and can make someone’s day JI have many layers, many hurts but also know that if I ever want to feel WHOLE again, I need to begin this journey of self-discovery.For me, it begins with FAITH, knowing that God will be with me every step of the way, wiping my tears, laughing with me, holding my hand, giving me STRENGTH to continue.
I feel it is time to break the silence, peel back all of the layers, discover who I am to the CORE.Nervous, anxious, scared, fearful but EXCITED to begin this journey.Face my truths head-on, realizing that life is too short to live in sadness or shame. Everyone desires peace, joy and HAPPINESS.
Hidden hurts, hidden truths, we all have them.Do they have a grip on you or your life, that is so tight that somedays you can hardly breathe?I want you to know that there is HOPE. I want you to know that you are NOT alone.